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Originally published on Nov. 1, 2018

How to Give a Great Gift

Photography by Will Anderson; Styled by Livia Cetti

Sometimes we give gifts because we know the recipients will love and appreciate them. They dropped the right hints, we considered their tastes and interests and picked just the right object to wrap in that beautiful paper. Sometimes we give gifts out of obligation, choosing items from a registry that are predestined to be used, if not loved, or sending flowers because, well, flowers make people happy. And other times we scour museum gift shops seeking souvenirs that our loved ones are unlikely to treasure for more than a fleeting moment. But that fleeting moment is often worth the $15 and the luggage space. Gift-giving is a love language and one that anyone can learn to speak. This guide will help you develop your fluency.


This could be the most important question in your gift-giving journey.

ImageA collection of brightly colored and shiny gift bows.

Gifting can be a way of showing you care about someone, or reflecting the care someone has shown you. There’s never a particularly inappropriate time to do it. Oftentimes, though, we try to force our expressions of love to fit occasion-specific molds rather than the recipients themselves. (Think about how many recent graduates have received a copy of Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!,” which is a great book, but still.)

Of course, many events have established practices of gift-giving, including birthdays and weddings, and some religious or cultural holidays. While giving gifts around these dates can feel more rote, it is still important to try to convey your affection for the recipient.

A note: Yes, some people have personal ideologies around gift-giving that reject objects as materialistic or simply clutter. You can still find a way to give a gift and be respectful of those beliefs. Hang on, we’ll get there.

Keeping those realities in mind, here’s a non-exhaustive list of possible gift-giving occasions and how to approach them:

  • Birthdays. For adults, start with a phone call, a card, an email or a text message. Most people, even if they “hate birthdays,” want to feel validated in their personhood, and this is the day they became a person. Then consider your relationship. Is this someone with whom you are very close, someone whose tastes and wants are known to you? Is this a person with whom you’re trying to increase your intimacy? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you probably want to get them something. The gift need not match the exact magnitude (size, price, etc.) of anything they’ve given you in the past. The point is to reciprocate their love and generosity, and to open the door for future shows of affection. (For kids, unless otherwise specified, a small gift basically required at a party.)

  • Religious holidays. There’s a reason we picture incandescent living rooms filled with wrapped gifts when we think of the winter holiday season: People give a lot (sometimes more than they can afford) at the end of each year. The National Retail Federation has projected that Americans will spend between $717 billion and $721 billion in November and December, ahead of Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. Oftentimes these gifts are reserved for family members, but they can span all kinds of relationships. If you’re not sure whether you’re on those terms with someone, start a conversation about it. There’s nothing wrong with asking, “Are we exchanging gifts this year?” and it could save you a lot of stress later.

  • Anniversaries. Every year that a couple chooses to remain together is worth marking, whether that’s with a night out, a talisman for continued companionship or some combination of the two. If you’re stuck on what to get, there’s nothing wrong with taking the traditional tack. Years 1 through 60 of marriage have material themes that can guide your search.

  • Federal and Hallmark holidays. President’s Day presents? Maybe not. But some of these days create conditions for creative giving. Even those who opt out of these days are capable of appreciating an expression of love. So whether that’s a phone call on Mother’s or Father’s Day, or a bouquet of roses on Valentine’s Day, it’s worth it. You probably don’t need to sign your best friend up for a Ben and Jerry’s subscription on National Ice Cream Day, but you also don’t not need to.

  • New life stages. Graduations, moves, births, deaths: Many of these can be marked with cards, but if you can think of something that reflects or supports the transition the recipient is going through, share it. Even better is when it’s something they might fail to consider as they are dealing with the stress of change: think about a doormat for a new homeowner, or warm food for a grieving friend.

  • Formal occasions. The conventional wisdom of gifts for weddings, bar and bat mitzvahs, sweet 16s, quinceañeras and the like is that the gift should match the cost of a place setting, which is more or less the price of a fancy dinner (think somewhere between $50 and $120 and double that if you’re attending with a guest). In cases where you are especially close with the honoree(s), your gift might exceed that dollar amount. It also might not be so easily quantified. If your budget is tight, you can also offer to trade in expertise for big occasions; if you’re a photographer, for example, your gift to the soon-to-be-wed couple might be a pro-bono photo package.

  • No occasion. Random acts of kindness can be the most thrilling: leaving something thoughtful on a colleague’s desk, sending a book to a long-distance friend, showing up with flowers for no reason except that they were beautiful and you wanted to share that beauty with someone else. The return on these gestures is just about always greater than the effort put into them.

Note: When someone tells you not to bring a gift, they mean it.


Unfortunately, size matters when it comes to gifting. Here’s how to keep things under control.

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Often, gift giving starts with a price range. That’s just reality. You can’t buy a beautiful new Tesla for your friend who has a hellishly long commute just because you know how much she would appreciate it. So, before you make any impulse purchases, ask yourself these four questions (and buy your friend a great pair of headphones instead):

1. Who is the recipient to you?

Is this person an immediate family member? A best friend? A new friend? A significant other? An extended family member? Your familial and emotional proximity will likely determine how personal and sizable the gift will be. Which is to say, you don’t need to book a spa package for a new friend, even if they really, really need to relax. Start with a stress ball.

2. What values is your relationship based on, and how can the gift reflect those values?

Some relationships trade in trendy meals, mutual love of garage rock or afternoons spent crafting around a coffee table. Some are incidental, rooted in proximity and pure chance, but nonetheless deep. Gift-giving can honor — in both obvious and subtle ways — the reasons you and your recipient are connected and how far your relationship has come. That said, if the primary facet of your relationship is humor, there’s nothing wrong with a gag gift.

3. What kind of generosity has this person shown you in the past?

Did they attend your wedding or your child’s birthday and go big? Reciprocity is always appropriate and can help narrow your search.

4. Is there something the person might appreciate more than a physical object?

Receiving gifts is not everyone’s love language. A home-cooked meal, or an offer to walk their teacup pig while they’re on vacation, might do more for your relationship than anything tied with a bow. Also, there’s never a clear price tag on these types of gestures, but the effort can make them quite valuable.


Find something they will love, even if they don’t know it yet.

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The best gifts are surprising in a good way. You don’t want your spouse to wonder why you’ve given them the first four volumes of Robert Caro’s Lyndon B. Johnson biography for your wedding anniversary. So before you buy anything, consider these tips.

  • Think about the things they might need. Did they just move, adopt a pet or book an adventurous vacation? Gifting can be an opportunity to riff on the ways they’ve already spent their own money.

  • When someone says they want something, listen. There’s nothing quite like finally getting the thing you’ve been hinting at for months.

  • That said, don’t be overly practical. The point is to delight, not to restock your significant other’s toilet paper stash.

  • What would you want? Has the person ever complimented your taste? It’s possible that something on your own wish list would make a great I-didn’t-know-I-needed-this gift for a friend.

  • Consider the non-gift gift. Some people don’t want anything. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want anything. They just don’t want stuff. Experiences and perishables can be just as, and sometimes more, gratifying than a thing you have to keep forever, lest you insult an in-law.

  • Is a gift card ever acceptable? Sure, if it’s thoughtful, like a “go have a nice dinner at this fancy restaurant” gift certificate. What’s tricky is choosing a dollar amount that doesn’t force the recipient to spend too much of their own money at a specific place. That said, you shouldn’t spend more than your means, and as long as you keep in mind the recipient’s preferences, your gift should land. The etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore recommends writing a note to underscore the thought you put into the gesture.

  • Is regifting O.K.? Regifting isn’t always a cardinal sin. If you’ve received a gift that you’re sure someone else would love, why would you deprive them that small joy?

  • What if they hate the gift? Beware the possible misread. Is your recipient the kind of person who would take fancy soap the wrong way? If the answer is “maybe,” rethink the gift.


Gift wrap elevates the gifting experience and doesn’t have to be complicated.

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Selecting a gift that your recipient will love is the hard part, so congratulations: You’re over the hump. Now it’s time to consider how you can elevate the gift through presentation. No one wants to be given a gift in a plastic bag with a receipt crinkled up at the bottom.

It’s a question whose answer is usually the same as the answer to another one: Is the gift alive? You needn’t wrap a plant or a puppy. But solid, inanimate objects are lent some intrigue when they are presented under wraps.

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Does the object lend itself better to wrapping paper or tissue paper? This depends on whether the gift is hard or soft. Anything can be wrapped with sturdy paper if it is placed in a box. A jar of fancy jam, or a dry Riesling, on the other hand, would do better with tissue paper fastened with a bow. Bags are also an option, and if the recipient is resourceful, he or she will reuse the gift’s vessel.

How to wrap a box (This video will help.):

Materials: Gift, box (if gift is not box-shaped), paper, tape, scissors

  • Find a large, flat, clean surface to work on. (The floor is great. If you have a designated gift-wrapping room, that’s great too, but in that case you probably don’t need this advice.)

  • Spread out a sheet of wrapping paper and place the box on it facedown.

  • Wrap the paper loosely around the box to ensure that it will cover every side, then lay the paper flat again. If you’re using a roll of wrapping paper, cut the sheet to size. (Someone very smart came up with an equation for this.)

  • If the box is rectangular, turn it so that one of the shorter sides faces you.

  • Fold the left and right sides of the paper so that they overlap at the centerline of the box. The paper should be flush against the box so that it forms subtle creases along the edges.

  • Tape the overlapping sides of the paper together at the centerline.

  • Push the left and right sides of the wrapping paper in toward the side of the box that’s facing you, then press down on the top and bottom sides of the paper so that the paper forms 40-ish-degree angles.

  • Fold the top and bottom flaps toward each other and tape one over the other.

  • Repeat those steps on the remaining side of the box.

  • Take a second to admire your work.

How to wrap a bottle:

Materials: Wine bottle, tissue paper, ribbon/twine

  • You’ll also want a clean surface for this, but it only needs to be large enough to fit a standard sheet of tissue paper (20” x 26”).

  • Lay out two sheets of tissue paper on top of each other, and place the wine bottle in the middle of the top sheet.

  • Fold all of the sides upward toward the neck of the bottle, and secure them in a loose grip.

  • Tie ribbon or twine around the neck of the bottle to secure the paper.

Other wrapping tips for the less-talented among us:

  • Cellophane gift wrap, like the kind you see on raffle prizes, is forgiving of unsteady hands and looks great.

  • If you’re creatively inclined and willing to put in the time, Pinterest is full of whimsical ideas that are bound to delight.

  • Anything can be gift wrap, and since it usually all goes in the trash anyway it’s nice to start with something recycled. Some people use brown bags or newsprint.

  • Lots of retailers offer gift wrap for a fee. If you’re feeling very not confident in your skills, it’s worth it. And if it’s complimentary, definitely take it. It will save you time and money.

You should. It can be as short as a sentence or long as a full-blown letter. But it will lend emotional heft to an already-thoughtful gesture.

If you can give a gift in person, it’s just about always worth doing so, if only to watch the recipient’s joy radiate. But if your dad’s birthday is next Tuesday, and you live an ocean away, you’re better off express mailing his gift. Some formal occasions have gift registries, in which case you’re better off ordering an item and having it delivered. That way, the happy couple won’t have to drive a U-haul worth of boxes home after their nuptials.

● Giving anything is an act of kindness. Don’t stress over the specifics.

● Gift-giving is a love language, but it’s not everyone’s.

● Sometimes the best gift has no monetary value but is, instead, the free gift of presence.


Bonnie Wertheim is an editor and occasional writer for the Style section. More about Bonnie Wertheim

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